


If I Die It's With You

by moon1ightknight



Category: Lost in Translation (Webcomic)
Genre: Character Study, Eaj, Introspection, No I did not edit this one bit, Not very good quality, Pacman - Freeform, Songfic, Yet another ventfic I'm sorry, and no it's not quality, but oh well, have fun
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-10
Updated: 2020-12-10
Packaged: 2021-03-10 01:21:24
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,624
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27986097
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moon1ightknight/pseuds/moon1ightknight
Summary: A character study of Ahn Jaewon set to the lyrics of eaJ's 'Pacman'.
Comments: 9
Kudos: 25





	If I Die It's With You

**Author's Note:**

> I'll be honest this isn't great because I haven't been in a great mindspace lately but I needed to vent since I've been feeling terrible after my birthday on Sunday and I decided that I need to make Jaewon feel all my emotions instead. (Yes, again.) No, I did not edit or read this at all. Which means it's probably rambly because I haven't been coherent lately. Sorry. :)

_ Loving you is just getting harder and harder to do _

_ Cause my head says no, but my phone keeps calling you  _

Jaewon loves Mayniacs, he really does. It feels like everything he does in his life is either for them or Mayhem itself- or, more often, both with little distinction between the two. Even at the end of the day, collapsing into bed with hair wet from a shower and muscles aching after dance practice, promotions, performances, photoshoots, or what have you, he’s happy. He’s happy, because it’s all for Mayniacs. With this sort of determination and dedication, it’s easy to forget his exhaustion, his wariness in both physical and emotional form, because it’s all worth it. 

Of course, he knows Mayniacs can’t love him back in the same genuine, whole-hearted way that he does. He knows that they’ll always hold some sort of resentment borne from misunderstanding and assumptions, but that’s okay. That doesn’t mean he cares for them any less. He’ll still love them. 

That love, however, doesn’t stop the painful pit in his heart that forms every night as he scrolls through his phone before bed, the room illuminated by nothing but the dark blue glow of his Twitter feed. 

_ And you never pick up unless you’ve got nothing to do _

_ But you say that you want me _

_ Much as I want you  _

Of course, tonight Jaewon finds only what he expected to on Twitter. He scrolls through pages and pages of tweets mentioning him, searching in vain for a handful of positive tweets. Most of the time, the only positivity anywhere in his mentions feed was positivity directed towards the other members in the form of comparing them to and putting down Jaewon. 

Sometimes, it felt like the only times Mayniacs noticed him was when they needed something to direct their frustration towards. This mostly showed itself on Twitter or other social media, headlines and scornful videos often accompanying them, but sometimes this trend seemed to stray outside of the online world. Sometimes, he felt like his existence was a nuisance even in real life, no matter how hard he tried to make himself as small as possible.

He tries not to acknowledge or admit to the fact that he notices it, the subtle way it shines through in their behavior, both for the benefit of the fans and for himself. If he doesn’t acknowledge it, then maybe it’ll feel less like a problem, or less real. 

Even still, sometimes his mind cruelly wanders. 

_ A few months ago. A happy face, excited to be there: a girl, holding a camera. “Daehyun! Can you look over here? I want to take a photo for your fansite.” _

_ Daehyun pauses, forgetting what he was about to say a moment before. Gentle hands on his shoulders, pulling him into the frame. An innocent, cheery response; “Can Wyld be in it too?” _

_ And, well- if Jaewon said he was surprised to see the girl’s grin be replaced with awkward disappointment, he’d be lying. He may not have been surprised, but he could pretend- both internally and externally- that he didn’t even notice.  _

Of course, even if he did notice these things, it wouldn’t change how he felt. Every concert, every fansign, and every little event, there’s always a crowd there to support them. A crowd that loves Mayhem- if not in its entirety, then at least Minsoo, Dongho, and Daehyun. And, well- the other three boys mean the world to him. Everything he does is for them. So how could he not love the fans, who undyingly love and support them, who are the main reason any of them are even where they are today?

_ Over and over _

_ Like it’s a Red Rover _

_ Will your games ever be through _

Sometimes, Jaewon feels like the universe thinks everything is a game. 

A game, which it plays over and over as if stuck in a cycle, if only just to see how long he can withstand it. 

Sometimes, life gets better. The tweets which have become a destructive part of his nightly routine seem to fizzle out from a heated flame to a soft murmur as fans lose interest or slowly forget the last scandal. The other three members of Mayhem will stop regarding his every move with as much suspicion as they have (which, normally, is another thing he pretends not to notice or hear.) Maybe he’ll even agree to a few plans with them; dinner, or a movie night, most of the time. When he’s spending time with the other three, when he feels like everything is becoming okay even if it isn’t entirely there yet, it all feels manageable. 

Of course, it never lasts long. Inevitably, before the situation is given time to fully heal and he can completely relax, he’s called to another meeting with the CEO. There’s always another scandal that will pop up, whether intentionally created or borne from assumptions. 

And thus restarts the universe’s game, forever stuck on loop. 

_ Play me over and over _

_ Pacman and lover _

_ Hoping you run out of quarters soon _

Occasionally, when the universe resumes its cruel game, some part of Jaewon wishes that it would stop soon. 

It’s a love-pain relationship that he has with Mayhem and being an idol, really. At first he was inclined to label it a love-hate relationship, but hatred was impossible. He knows that the situation isn’t healthy or sustainable; eventually, it’ll break him down into nothing. However, for all the pain that being part of Mayhem and being in the public eye causes him, he couldn’t bring himself to hate any of it. He couldn’t bring himself to hate the fans, the media, or especially not the other members. 

No, he couldn’t do anything but love them through the hurt they caused. 

Therefore, it was a love-pain relationship. 

_ Don’t hurt me _

_ Leave me _

_ No I don’t mean that _

_ Love me all the way to death _

Again, sometimes Jaewon wants the pain to stop. Sometimes, something deep down inside him screams and begs for him to run away from it all- to escape the hatred and the pain; to escape the spotlight and the lies; to escape being an idol, and maybe even to escape Mayhem-

But no, even deeper down, he doesn’t mean any of that. He could never truly feel that way, never truly let himself entertain the thought. Mayhem is everything to him, and he wouldn’t give them up for the world. Even if he has to give up everything in exchange to stay with them. 

_ Oh it’s killing me how _ _  
_ _ Fear is holding me down _

_ But I wanna hold you  _

At this point, really, he’s nothing but stuck. Even if he gave into that strange, deep-down desire to escape it all, he’d have nowhere to go. There’s nothing left for him to be other than who the media wants him to be. Without any of this, he’s no one or nothing anymore. 

All he can do is be Wyld. 

And that- well, that terrifies him. 

With all of it adding up inside him, he’s too scared to do anything about the situation. He’s too nervous to reach out to the other three, to tell him the truth. He’s scared to show his authentic self to the world, to be honest and true about what’s going on. 

It’s this fear and pain that inevitably wells up inside of him at night, with the guilt of the lies and manipulation feeling like a crushing weight on his chest. In the silent darkness of the night, when these emotions are all that exist, they creep up on him like an inevitable predator, making sure that by morning there’s nothing left. That once the daylight shines and the universe’s game restarts, all that makes up his existence is a silent yet deadly feeling of terror and pain. 

But even still- even as, day by day, he becomes a hollow shell, he never turns his back on what has always been his main goal: to make Mayniacs happy. 

_ Oh I might burn to the ground _

_ But see me burn with a smile _

_ If I die it’s with you _

Yes- that’s his main goal, really. All he wants to be able to do is see Mayhem succeed and Mayniacs be happy. When hears the excited screams of fans at concerts, or sees the elated expression on his group members after learning they’ve sold out a fansign or some other major accomplishment, everything feels right. During these little moments of his light, Jaewon forgets everything that makes him up; he forgets the pain, and the fear- maybe he’d even go as far to say that, for the split moment, it’s replaced with security and happiness. He knows, when he sees this, that even if he’s failing his past self and all his former aspirations for his career, he’ll never  _ truly _ fail the people that mean the most to him. He’ll always do everything he can to push them towards happiness. 

With that realization, Jaewon finds himself overwhelmed with a feeling of understanding and content. This is his purpose, and he’ll continue doing so with everything he has. So, carefully and deliberately, he burns all reservations within him. He gives up all feelings of fear or resistance, all desire to escape. He takes everything that he is as a person and gives it away in whatever means necessary to help his group. 

Even if he’s completely broken by the world and the industry, even if there’s nothing left for him at this point, it will have been worth it to see the other three boys happy. And if that’s what he has to do to ensure that, then he’ll do it with a smile. 


End file.
